SHE SHOULDN'T TAKE LIE LYING DOWN.(LIFE & LEISURE)

Byline: CAROLYN HAX Washington Post Writers Group

DEAR CAROLYN: My BF of 2.5 years told me last week that he had to entertain a friend's friend from out of town. The visiting gal is single, his age. My BF first said it was not a date, and that his guy friend just asked him to do a favor since she doesn't know anyone here. I said OK, but I was a little disappointed that he didn't even invite me. He said he thought about it, but that his friend said it would make the woman feel like a third wheel.

I pressed the issue a little further, and my BF finally admitted that his friend suggested he meet this gal because my BF has been wishy-washy about our relationship. He doesn't know if we're getting married, doesn't know what to do, etc.

I'm furious! He knows I'm mad, and he called me right after their dinner and repeatedly assured me there was no romantic element. Do I have a right to be mad and disappointed?

-- Very Mad DEAR MAD: No, you should be happy for him that he's dating again.

Of course you have a bloody right to be angry. And hurt, and confused, and stunned, and damned impressed with his chutzpah. I am.

I'm also a little freaked out by you. Do you have any discernible role in your own life? You're waiting for BF to marry you, you're waiting to be invited out, you're waiting at home while he dates -- after you busted him in a lie, you're asking permission to feel things. And you're inspiring waves of great wishy-washiness in your companion? Imagine.

Here's your new, unsolicited to-do list: Feel what you damn well please. Dig. Howl. Examine. Formulate a conviction. Run. Fall, hard. Tell a joke, blow the punch line and be the only one who laughs. Make an outrageous demand. Flirt. Donate. Wing it. Act. Register a convincing facsimile of a pulse. Watch your should-be-ex-BF go into shock.

CAROLYN: My fiance and I are having an ethical disagreement. What do you think about using the Internet to investigate a person you are just starting to date? We call it Googling. Specifically, I used Google and DejaNews to see what I could find about my fiance when we first started dating. While I didn't learn anything about him that I didn't already know, I did learn a few juicy details about his ex-girlfriend.

I feel that if you post information on the Internet, you do so knowing that the entire world has access to it. He feels there is some expectation of respectful privacy (i.e., she didn't post that information for me to see so I shouldn't go looking for it).

-- J.B. DEAR J.B.: Does the fact that I've trolled for data on myself, my husband, my dog (no hits), my parents, my siblings, most of my friends, some guy I was awful to in college and a high school ex-sort-of-boyfriend disqualify me from answering?

I'm siding with you, obviously, but not because your reasoning is any good. It works OK if you're talking about conscious decisions to post stuff, but what if someone uploads something chewy about you without your knowledge? Are you responsible because you let your life overlap with this other person's?

If it helps, your fiance's logic is worse. I'd like to see the system he proposes for determining which information was made public for whom.

Here's my brilliant argument: Search-engine snooping gets an ethical pass because I can't think of a good reason not to give it one.

Before there was an Internet, no one would have told a teenage girl she couldn't look some guy up in the phone book and take a late-night drive by his house, right? Part of all of our lives occurs in plain sight; people can and will take a gander, and daters probably should. The Internet just adds to their options.

With all of them, though, Golden Rule decency applies. Don't do any digging you wouldn't later admit to over dinner with the person, and don't give the Net the last word. Unless that last word is preceded by the words ``registered sex offender'' or ``self-published volume of poetry.''

CAROLYN: What responsibility do I have to this girl? We're friends, have hooked up a few times, have no official status for our ``relationship.'' We kiss (peck) on the lips and hug goodbye but rarely do more than that physically.

On St. Patty's Day, drunken debauchery in a bar with another random girl, nothing more than kissing. Do I owe it to the first girl to tell her or what?

-- Somewhere DEAR SOMEWHERE: Nope, you aren't ``official''; no need to report it. Honesty should serve a purpose, and I don't see one here.

But your guilt might prove useful. Could it be telling you that, amid all the unofficial hooking up, you've actually started to care?

Write to ``Tell Me About It,'' c/o The Washington Post, Style Plus, 1150 15th St., NW, Washington, D.C. 20071 or e-mail: tellme@washpost.com. Chat online with Carolyn each Friday at noon and Monday at 3 p.m. at www.washingtonpost.com.